Friendship
Is not an obligation
And I wasn’t leaving
Until you pushed me away.
You stupid men
Treat me like an accessory-
A date to concerts
And a dining partner.
And god forbid
I don’t answer the phone.
I’m not a possession
Not a trophy to be won
Or even earned.
And you feign worry-
How am I doing,
You’ll ask-
But all you want to know
Is have I been out
With someone else.
Which is none
Of your concern.
You have
A singular motivation-
Accidentally brushing my hand,
A casual touch of my thigh.
You’re not fooling me.
And god forbid
I shut down.
Maybe
I don’t want to talk about it.
Maybe you push me
And make me anxious
And you hurt me
And I can’t be
That person to everyone.
The non-emergency contact.
If you wanted
To be my friend
You’d understand that.
You would know
That I’m trying to exist.
Stay sober,
Find a job,
Write,
Just stay fucking sane.
But you make me crazy-
Contributing to the madness.
I don’t need you.
I lost my mother,
I turned my back
On six years of my life
And you,
Sweetheart,
Are not that special.
You
Are a fucking mess.
Abandonment issues
And all the rest.
And a deeply rooted
Over-inflated
Sense of self.
Come back down
To planet Earth.
It’s nice
This time of year.
Or don’t.
I can’t care anymore.
There’s not room
In my brain for you
And I won’t apologize
For looking out for number one.
Nor should I.
It’s about goddamn time.
You’ve tolerated more than your share of imbeciles, divas and needy self-servers, sometimes even wrapped up in the same person. At least none of what you’ve written here takes on any blame yourself, and that’s appropriate. It’s CiCi time now… for the first time, you get to live your life for you. Put yourself first for once. It’s not selfish, but a necessary step toward recovery. And you won’t look back.