Dear mommah,

It’s almost your birthday.
You would be 48,
But the universe had other plans.

September 14th will mark 5 years
That you’ve been gone.
I can hardly believe it.

I have a bottle
Of your perfume.
Sometimes I mist it on my pillow
And give myself a nightmare-free sleep.

There isn’t a day that goes by
When you’re not on my mind.
So much has changed.

I wish that I could talk to you
And hold your hand.
Hear your sweet voice
That I missed for years
Even before you were gone.
Honestly, I barely remember it.

You’re with me sometimes,
I can tell.

But occasionally,
I feel like I’m losing it.
I’m holding it together, sure.
Putting my big girl panties on
And leaping every hurdle
Like it ain’t shit.
You’d be proud.

But I miss you.

In a lot of ways
I’m still just a little girl
Who wants her mother.
Not for any particular reason,
Though I can think of a few.

And I’m jealous.
I’m so jealous of all the women
Who post all these beautiful pictures-
Three generations of women
And happy easter,
Happy fucking mothers day.

And it doesn’t seem any easier
But after so many years
People don’t want to hear about it anymore.
It’s not within the society-approved grieving time,
So maybe you should just move on.
Not that they’ll ever say it-
But you can tell.

So I go on, like always,
Cause what else are you going to do?
And I learn something new every day.
I become a better person.

And I can’t call you for advice
Or to go shopping with
Or to raid your fridge
Cause I’ve been unemployed for 2 months
And the struggle is real.

But I’m stronger now
Than I could have ever imagined
Because I know
I can make it through anything.
There is nothing I haven’t seen before,
Nothing that will knock me on my ass.

And I will do everything
I’ve ever wanted
Because I’m your daughter,
And that’s what we do.

So happy mothers day.

Losing you is the hardest thing
I’ve ever done
But it’s not the end.

So hang on.
This ride ain’t over yet.