It’s been a hell of a ride.
24 years have brought me
Hardships and beauty
And a new perspective.
I honestly wouldn’t change a single thing.
If anything in my life had been different
I wouldn’t be who I am.
And I have to say
I love myself.
I love that I can grow
And learn something new about myself
Or about the world
Every single day.
I love that I can empathize
With so many different people
With so many different experiences.
I love that with this fresh perspective
I’ve become less judgmental
And more genuinely accepting.
To me,
Challenges are just that.
I know absolutely
That there is nothing I can’t overcome.
Nothing will ever break me.
My hardships
Are accomplishments.
I’ve survived sexual, physical, mental, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse
At the hands of my father and a long-term boyfriend,
I’ve helped raise children,
I’ve lived through various close family members’ suicide and suicide attempts,
I’ve cared for and lost my incredible mother,
Struggled with eating disorders and self-harm,
Been separated from my family and sisters for years,
Left my home at 1am with a bag and a banker’s box and nowhere to go,
I continue to wrestle with mine and other’s addiction,
I’ve been broke and unemployed,
I suffer with still undiagnosed health issues,
The list goes on.
But the point is not to highlight suffering.
The point is to show growth.
Look at all the people I can help now.
All the things I can understand.
The pain lives inside me but I am not hardened.
I am the opposite.
Look how deep my heart can go.
All the things I have to say.
And if people are helped,
If someone can identify with my words,
Can draw strength from the pages of my journals,
Of my soul bared naked for the world,
Then my very existence is validated.
Then my pain is worth it.
Look at all my scars,
Inside and out.
All this proof
That I haven’t just existed,
I have truly lived.
I have learned what it really means to love and be loved,
I have had the amazing ability to be a second mother to two beautiful girls,
I’ve learned to be kind and open hearted because you never know how another suffers,
I’ve shown my mother how much I love her through acts of service when she needed me most,
Learned to love myself, stretch marks, scars, and all,
Realized how important family really is,
Found courage inside myself I never knew I had,
Recognized addiction as a disease and learned to forgive myself and others,
Learned it’s okay to ask for help,
And tried to stay positive throughout constant pain.
My life is a love story,
And I am proud to share it with the world.
I am grateful for my readers,
My family, my friends,
And anyone I can touch with my words.
Because of this,
My heart is large
And I am able to love you all.
A special thank you to Si for the photos of me in England, when I felt truly alive. I love you.
